What do you call a kid captured by a cannibal?
Stu!
What do you
get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the
Pew.
When the
moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind?
Its butt!
What do you
call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
What do you
call a hippy’s wife?
Mississippi.
How does
Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark
side!
If we
breathe oxygen during the day, what do we breathe at night?
Nightrogen.
What’s the
hardest thing about learning to skate?
The ground!
What kind of
bagel can fly?
A plain
bagel.
Why
shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
It’s
pointless.
Why couldn’t
the gnome pay his rent?
He was a
little short.
What do you
call a prehistoric pig?
Jurassic
pork!
Why is it
dangerous to do math in the jungle?
Because if
you add 4 and 4, you get ate.
Why did
dinosaurs walk so slowly?
Because
running shoes hadn’t been invented yet.
Why did the
little strawberry cry?
Her mom and
dad were in a jam.
Why did the
rooster cross the road?
It was the
chicken’s day off.
What do you
call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Why don’t
zombies eat clowns?
They taste
funny!
What do you
give to a sick lemon?
Lemon aid.
Who makes
the best exploding underwear?
Fruit of the
Boom!
What do you
call a grizzly bear caught in a rain shower?
A drizzly
bear.
What kind of
songs are balloons afraid of?
Pop songs!
What is
every magician’s favorite candy bar?
Twix.
What’s
white, furry, and shaped like a tooth?
A molar
bear.
Did you hear
about the computer program created by a chicken?
All you do
is point and cluck.
What did the
alpaca say when she was kicked off the farm?
Alpaca my
bags!
What’s the
most important rule for doing science experiments?
Never lick
the spoon.
What would
bears be without bees?
Ears!
What do you
give a seasick monster?
Plenty of
room!
Why did the
cowboy ride the bull?
It was too
heavy to carry.
Which Great
Lake do ghosts like best?
Lake Eerie.
Why do the
French eat snails?
Because they
don’t like fast food.
How did the
frozen chicken cross the road?
In a
shopping bag.
What do you
call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
If athletes
get athlete’s feet, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe!
Why can’t
you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the
“p” is silent.
What do you
get when you cross a goat with a squid?
Billy the
Squid.
Have you
heard the joke about the peach?
It’s
pitiful.
Which bird
can hold three gallons of water in its bill?
The pelican.
Where does
Spiderman go for medical advice?
Web MD.
Why was the
potato alone at the party?
It got there
oily.
What’s the
best time to visit the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!
Which state
needs a handkerchief?
Mass-ACHOO!-setts.
Why do fish
choirs always sing off-key?
Because you
can’t tuna fish.
What kind of
undies do clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
Did you hear
about the frog that was illegally parked?
It got toad.
Why did the
toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to
the bottom.
If April
showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
What do you
call a motorcycle with a good sense of humor?
A
Yamahahaha.
Why did the
kid leave his piggy bank outside?
He expected
some change in the weather.
Why didn’t
the teddy bear eat his oatmeal?
He was
already stuffed!
What kind of
books do skunks read?
Best-smellers.
Why do
vampires brush their teeth?
To prevent
bat breath.
Where do
baby ghosts spend their days?
At day-scare
centers.
What do you
call a sleeping T. rex?
A
dino-snore!
Why did the
cantaloupe jump into the lake?
It wanted to
be a watermelon.
Why did the
belt get arrested?
It held up a
pair of pants.
Why are
batteries always sad?
Because
they’re never included.
How can you
fall off a 100-foot ladder without getting hurt?
Easy! Fall
from the bottom rung.
How is
Facebook like a refrigerator?
Because
every few minutes you open it to see if there’s anything good in it.
If Pilgrims
were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age!
What’s the
best day to go to the beach?
Sun-day.
What do baby
sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Their
yammies!
What’s
green, has big eyes, and is hard to see through?
Kermit the
Fog.
What kind of
car does a farmer drive?
A
corn-vertible.
Where do you
send a shoe in the summer?
Boot camp!
Why were
early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because
there were so many knights.
What did one
car muffler say to the other car muffler?
“Boy, am I
exhausted!”
What should
you shout if you swim into kelp and get caught in it?
“Kelp!”
What lives
at the bottom of the ocean and is popular on Easter?
Oyster eggs.
What do you
say to a hitchhiking angel?
“Harp in!”
How do you
make antifreeze?
Steal her
blanket.
What has a
big mouth but can’t talk?
A jar.
What’s red
and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Which kind
of dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog.
Buildings can’t jump.
What looks
like half of a cat?
The other
half.
What do cats
like to eat for dessert?
Mice cream.
What should
you know before you teach a dog a trick?
More than
the dog!
Which movie
is a feline favorite?
The Sound of
Mew-sic.
Why can dogs
scratch whenever they want to?
They live in
a flea country.
What did the
alien say to the cat?
Take me to
your litter!
Will: If you
want to find your dog, you should put an ad in the paper.
Bill: Don’t
be silly. Fido can’t read!
Which cats
make the best bowlers?
Alley cats.
Why are dogs
such terrible dancers?
They have
two left feet.
How do you
spell mousetrap using three letters? C-A-T!
What did the
dog say when it sat on the sandpaper?
Ruff.
Cat: What
smells the most in a garbage dump?
Rat: The
nose.
Which
household cleaner do Dalmatians fear most?
Spot
remover.
What do you
call a guy who’s been attacked by a cat?
Claude!
Why did the
dog say “Meow!”?
He was
trying to learn a second language.
What’s a
cat’s favorite song?
Three Blind
Mice.
What do you
get when you cross a dog and a dandelion?
A
collie-flower.
Which game
do cats like to play with mice?
Catch!
Where do
dogs go when their tails fall off?
The retail
store.
How do cats
end a fight?
They hiss
and make up.
What did the
Dalmatian say after eating?
That hit the
spots!
What’s
smarter than a talking cat?
A spelling
bee.
How do fleas
get from one dog to another dog?
By
itch-hiking.
Why was the
kitten in such a bad mood?
She needed a
catnap.
Why did the
dog cross the road…twice?
To fetch a
boomerang!
What do cats
like to put in their milk?
Mice cubes.
Which breed
of dog loves taking baths?
Shampoodles!
Why do cats
scratch themselves?
Because no
one else knows where the itch is.
How do you
keep a dog from smelling?
Put a
clothespin on its nose.
Why can’t
cats finish watching DVDs?
They can’t
resist pressing the “paws” button.
What did one
flea say to the other flea when they walked out of the movie?
Shall we
walk or take the dog?
What do you
call a giant pile of cats?
A meowtain.
What do
sheep dogs turn into every summer?
Hot dogs!
Why are cats
terrible story tellers?
They only
have one tail.
Why do dogs
run around in circles?
It’s hard to
run around in squares.
What
breakfast cereal do cats like best?
Mice
Krispies!
Why did the
Dachshund bite his trainer’s ankle?
He couldn’t
reach any higher.
What do you
call a cat that just swallowed a duck?
A
duck-filled fatty puss.
When is a
bloodhound dumb?
When it has
no scents.
Why do cats
climb trees?
Because they
don’t have ladders.
Why did the
terrier have splinters in his tongue?
He kept
eating table scraps.
When is it
bad luck to have a black cat cross your path?
When you’re
a mouse!
Which
holiday do dogs like best?
Howl-o-ween.
What do you
get if you cross a rabbit with two cats?
Hare! Kitty
kitty!
Which dogs
make the best teachers?
Grade Danes.
How can you
tell if a cat burglar has been in your house?
Your cat is
missing.
What does Godzilla
eat at a restaurant?
The
restaurant!
Why couldn’t
the bagel escape?
It was
covered with lox.
What kind of
candy do you eat on the playground?
Recess
Pieces.
Why did the
beet turn red?
It saw the
salad dressing.
Did you hear
about the crazy pancake?
He just
flipped!
What is
Peter Pan’s favorite fast food restaurant?
Wendy’s.
Who makes
shoes for fruit?
A peach
cobbler.
How do you
fix a broken pizza?
With tomato
paste.
Who writes
nursery rhymes and squeezes oranges?
Mother
Juice.
Kid: Waiter!
There’s a bee in my soup.
Waiter: Of
course. You ordered alphabet soup.
What was the
snowman’s favorite cereal?
Frosted
Flakes.
Which food
can you eat in the bathroom?
Showerkraut.
What’s
green, has 22 legs, and plays football?
The Green
Bay Pickles.
Why did the
pie go to the dentist?
It needed a
filling.
What’s
brown, wrinkled, and lives in a tower?
The Lunch
Bag of Notre Dame.
What do you
get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and
legs.
Why did the
baker stop making doughnuts?
He was tired
of the hole business.
Did you hear
about the guy who drank food coloring?
He dyed a
little inside.
What starts
with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T?
A teapot.
What does
the ocean eat for breakfast?
Boatmeal.
Why are
tightrope walkers so healthy?
They always
eat a balanced diet.
What do
computers snack on?
Microchips.
What do you
call a baby potato?
A small fry.
What did the
baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s
Popcorn?
Why did the
cookie visit the doctor?
It was
feeling crummy.
What do you
call a potato at a football game?
A
spec-tater!
What was the
anteater’s favorite pizza topping?
Antchovies!
What do you
get when you cross a bee with chopped meat?
Humburger.
What did the
banana do when it saw a horde of hungry monkeys?
Split.
Why did the
kid stare at frozen orange juice can all day?
Because the
label said “concentrate.”
What does a
nosy pepper do?
Gets
jalapeño business.
A kid walks
into a soda shop with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A root beer
please, and one for the road.”
Which potato
makes the best detective?
One whose
eyes are peeled.
What did the
hot dog say when it won the race?
“I’m a
weiner!”
What happens
when the chef goes on strike?
You have a
cook-out.
What does a
panda fry his bamboo in?
A pan…duh!
What did the
frog order at McDonald’s?
Flies and a
diet croak.
Dad: Sorry,
son, but I only know how to make two dishes, meat loaf and apple pie.
Son: Which
one is this?
Why did the
potato cross the road?
It saw a
fork up ahead.
Best
Cookbook: Hot Dog by Frank Furter
What did one
plate say to the other plate?
Lunch is on
me!
What kind of
nut doesn’t have a shell?
A doughnut.
Did you hear
the joke about the pepperoni pizza?
Never mind.
It’s way too cheesy.
What kind of
ice cream is bad at tennis?
Soft serve.
Which day do
eggs hate?
Fry-day.
Which food
stays hot in the fridge?
Hot dogs.
What do
ghosts eat for lunch?
Boo-loney
sandwiches.
What do you
call a stolen yam?
A hot
potato.
What do you
call a small hot dog?
A teenie
weenie!
How do you
make soup into gold?
Add 14
carrots.
What does a
snowman put in his coffee?
Cold cream.
Why was the
salad naked?
The waitress
forgot the dressing.
Why don’t
tomatoes like to box?
They get
beat to a pulp.
What is a
tree’s favorite drink?
Root beer.
When does
hot chocolate cause a stabbing pain in the eye?
When you
forget to take out the spoon!
Where does
Santa go to buy potatoes?
Idaho-ho-ho!
Why did the
kid have string beans stuck up his nose?
He wasn’t
eating properly.
What do you
call a stupid pirate?
The pillage
idiot.
Why couldn’t
the pirate play cards?
He was
sitting on the deck!
Why did the
pirate walk the plank?
Because he
couldn’t afford a dog.
Which pirate
makes the best clam chowder?
Captain
Cook!
Why did the
pirate put a chicken on top of his treasure chest?
Because eggs
mark the spot.
What did the
pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in a snow bank?
“Shiver me
timbers!”
Why wouldn’t
the pirate fight the octopus?
It was too
well-armed.
What type of
socks do pirates wear?
Arrrrrgyle.
Why did the
pirate buy an eye patch?
He couldn’t
afford an iPhone.
Why didn’t
the pirate take a bath before he walked the plank?
He knew he
would just wash up on shore later.
What did the
pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye,
matey!”
Where do
pirate ships go when they’re sick?
To the dock.
Where can
you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where
you left him.
What’s a pirates
favorite vegetable?
Arrrrrtichoke
First Mate:
Feeding the prisoners to the sharks isn’t any fun.
Captain: It
is for the sharks!
What
happened when the red pirate ship sank in the Black Sea?
The crew was
marooned.
Why are
pirates called pirates?
Cause they
just arrrrr!
Why do
pirate captains always sing tenor?
They’re the
only ones who can hit the high C’s.
Where did
the pirate leave his keys?
Off the
coast of Florida.
What do you
call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
Rookie.
What has
eight arms, eight legs, and eight eyes?
Eight
pirates.
Where did
the one-legged pirate go for breakfast?
IHOP.
What is the
pirate’s favorite letter in the alphabet?
X…That’s
where the treasure is.
How much do
pirates pay for their earrings?
A buck an
ear (buccaneer).
Did you hear
about the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
It was rated
Ar-r-r-r!
Why was it
rated Ar-r-r-r?
Too much
booty!
What do you
call a pirate droid?
Arrrrr2-D2
What
happened to the pirate who couldn’t pee?
He became
irate.
What’s the
difference between a jeweler and the captain of a ship?
One sees the
watches and the other watches the seas.
How does a
pirate know when the sea is friendly?
It waves.
Who helped
Fisherella get to the ball?
Her fairy
Codmother.
Why did
Robin Hood steal money from the rich?
Because the
poor didn’t have any.
Who was the
fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir
Cumference.
What do you
call a princess who falls down on the ice?
Slipping
Beauty.
On which
side of the house did Jack grow the beanstalk?
The outside.
Why is
Tinkerbell always flying around?
Because she
lives in Neverland.
Why did
Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
She kept
running away from the ball.
First
Dragon: Am I too late for dinner?
Second
Dragon: Yes. Everyone’s eaten.
Who weighs
two tons and went to the ball wearing glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.
Why did
Robin Hood’s men hate living in Sherwood Forest?
It only had
one Little John.
Who carves
wooden figures and lives under the sea?
The Whittle
Mermaid.
What do you
get if you cross TInkerbell with a werewolf?
A hairy
fairy.
What do you
get if you cross a hairy fairy with a monster?
A scary
hairy fairy.
What laundry
detergent does the Little Mermaid use?
Tide.
Optician:
Have your eyes ever been checked?
Ogre: No.
They’ve always been red.
Why does
Snow White treat all of the dwarves equally?
Because
she’s the fairest of all.
How did Jack
know how many beans his cow was worth?
He used a
cowculator.
Fairyland
Bestsellers:
How to Cook
Crocodile by Stu Potts
Aladdin’s
Lamp: The Inside Story by A. Genie
Who Killed
Captain Hook? by Howard I. Know
Why can’t
Goldilocks sleep?
Night-bears!
Why did the
Little Mermaid blush?
She saw the
ship’s bottom!
Why did
Rapunzel go to parties?
She liked to
let her hair down!
How is
Prince Charming like a book?
He has a lot
of pages.
What do you
call a wee cottage?
A gnome
home.
What is
Humpty Dumpty’s least favorite season?
Fall.
Who stole
the soap from the Three Bears’ bathroom?
The robber
ducky.
What did
Peter Pan say when he saw the tornado?
Look! It’s
Wendy.
Why didn’t
the Fairy Godmother laugh at Cinderella’s jokes?
They weren’t
fairy funny.
Where does
Robin Hood like to shop?
At Target.
Who’s the
smartest fairy in Neverland?
Thinkerbell.
What do you
call a fairy that won’t bathe?
Stinkerbell.
Why is the
ocean floor so sandy?
There are
never enough mermaids
Why is the
Tooth Fairy so smart?
She’s
collected a lot of wisdom teeth.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Comma.
Comma who?
Comma little
closer and I’ll tell you!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting
chicken.
Interrupting
chick—
HEY! WANNA
CROSS THE ROAD?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the
way I talk since I lost my two front teeth!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Sorry. I
prefer Google.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito
bit me.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Andy.
Andy who?
Andy bit me
again!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Omelette.
Omelette
who?
Omelette
smarter than I look.
Why did the
duck cross the road?
To get to
your house.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
The duck!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Stan.
Stan who?
Stan back!
I’m going to kick the door down.
M-O-O…!
Knock-Knock!
Who’s there?
Time-traveling
cow.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Deluxe.
Deluxe who?
Deluxe-smith.
I’m here to fix de lock.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Ida.
Ida who?
Ida called
first but my cell phone died.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Howdy!
Howdy who?
Howdy do
that?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Euripides.
Euripides
who?
Euripides
pants you buy me new ones.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly!
Cows go “MOO”!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting
Zombie.
Interrupting
Zom—
“BRAAAINS!”
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Europe.
Europe who?
What? No,
you’re a poo!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Althea.
Althea who?
Althea later
alligator!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Dare.
Dare who?
Dare must be
some mistake!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone
care that I’m stuck outside in the cold?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Topeka.
Topeka who?
Why do you
like Topeka your nose?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Pig.
Pig who?
Pig me up
after school, please!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Kenya.
Kenya who?
Kenya come
out and play after dinner?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Will Hugh.
Will Hugh
who?
Will Hugh
toss that ball back over the fence?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Zeno.
Zeno who?
Zeno evil.
Hear no evil.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
My panther.
My panther
who?
My panther
falling down.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Ooze.
Ooze who?
Ooze afraid
of the Big Bad Wolf?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Weird.
Weird who?
Weird you
hide the chocolate?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Yoda.
Yoda who?
Yoda
weirdest person I know.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Skip.
Skip who?
Just skip
it. I’ll go next door.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Tubby.
Tubby who?
Tubby or not
Tubby?
That is the
question.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you
don’t know?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Wooden.
Wooden who?
Wooden you
like to know!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Saul.
Saul who?
Saul there
is, there ain’t no more!
Why do
elephants wear tennies?
Because
ninies are too small and elevenies are too big!
What is big
and gray and blue?
An elephant
holding its breath.
Why did the
elephant change his socks?
Because they
were dirty.
Why do
elephants have a trunk?
They would
look silly carrying a hatbox.
What did the
worm say after he crawled under the elephant’s foot?
I’ll never
have the guts to do that again!
What’s worse
than an elephant with no shirt on?
A
hippo-bottomless.
What time is
it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to get
a new fence.
What time is
it when an elephant sits on an electric fence?
Time to get
a new elephant!
Why do
elephants paint their toenails red, yellow, orange, green, and brown?
So they can
hide in a bag of M&Ms.
Why didn’t
the elephant wear pajamas at camp?
He forgot to
pack his trunk.
Why do ducks
have webbed feet?
To stamp out
forest fires.
Where do
elephants with zits go?
To the
pachydermatologist.
Why do
elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out
flaming ducks!
Which
elephants live in the Arctic?
The cold
ones.
What’s big,
gray, and lives in Scotland?
The Loch
Ness Elephant.
What kind of
elephants live at the North Pole?
Cold ones.
What do you
get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
An elephant
that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Why are
elephants large, gray, and wrinkled?
If they were
small, round, and white, they’d be aspirins.
Why can’t
you take an elephant to school?
It won’t fit
in your backpack.
How do you
tell an elephant from a dozen eggs?
If you don’t
know, I’ll send someone else to the store.
Why do
elephants walk sideways through grass?
To trip the
field mice.
What’s gray
and has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse
going on vacation.
How do you
get down from an elephant?
You don’t.
You get down from a duck.
What do you
call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An
irrelephant.
What goes
“thump, thump, thump, squish”?
An elephant
with one wet sneaker.
What do you
get if you drop an elephant on a baby butterfly?
A
splatterpillar.
How can you
tell when there are three elephants in the bathtub with you?
You count
them!
What do you
call an elephant that never takes a bath?
A
smellyphant.
Why did the
elephant paint his toenails different colors?
To hide in
the jelly bean jar.
Have you
ever found an elephant in a jelly bean jar?
See? It
works.
Who started
the elephant jokes?
That’s what
the elephants want to know.
When does a
baby elephant look like a cute little bunny?
When she’s
wearing a cute little bunny suit.
What do you
do with old bowling balls?
Give them to
elephants to use as marbles.
Why do
elephants wear sandals?
So they
don’t sink in the sand.
Why do
ostriches stick their head in the sand?
To look for
the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Why do
elephants have big ears?
To keep
their sunglasses from falling off.
Why do
elephants wear sunglasses?
So Tarzan
doesn’t recognize them.
What did
Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running through the jungle?
Nothing. He
didn’t recognize them with their sunglasses on.
Why do
elephants have wrinkled knees?
They tie
their tennis shoes too tight.
What did the
drummer get on his IQ test?
Saliva.
Who is the
wasp’s favorite composer?
Bee-thoven.
Did you hear
about the cobra that hid in the tuba?
He was a
real snake in the brass.
What has
lots of keys but can’t open doors?
A piano.
Why do
bagpipers march when they play?
To get away
from the noise.
Why did the
rock star bring a pencil on stage?
He wanted to
draw a big crowd.
What’s the
difference between an accordion and an onion?
No one cries
when you chop up an accordion.
Did you hear
about the band called 1023 Megabytes?
They were on
their way to a gig.
What is the
squirrel’s favorite opera?
The
Nutcracker.
What is the
rabbit’s favorite music?
Hip-hop!
What’s
Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na!!!
Why was the
pop star get arrested?
She got in
treble!
What song to
vampires hates?
You are my
sunshine.
What do you
call a musical pickle?
A piccolo.
What’s big
and gray with horns?
An elephant
marching band.
Why did the
school band have such bad manners?
It didn’t
know how to conduct itself.
Why are pop
stars so cool?
They have
millions of fans.
Why did
Mozart hate chickens?
They’re
always running around going “Bach! Bach! Bach!”
How do you
get your dad to drive really fast?
Put your
drums in the middle of the road.
Why did the
chicken cross the road?
To get away
from the oboe recital.
How do you
clean a tuba?
With a tuba
toothpaste.
Why don’t
guitarists work?
They only
know how to play.
Why did the
punk rocker cross the road?
He was
stapled to a chicken.
Why was the
guitar mad?
It was tired
of being picked on.
What kind of
paper makes music?
Rapping
paper!
Why did the
pianist bang the side of his head against the keyboard?
He was
playing by ear.
Where do
vampire violinists go for vacation?
The Vile
Inn.
What’s the
most musical part of a turkey?
The
drumstick.
What was
stolen from the music store?
The lute!
How do you
make a bandstand?
Take away
their chairs!
Why do
hummingbirds hum?
They forgot
the words.
Why
shouldn’t kids go to the symphony?
Too much sax
and violins.
What kind of
band doesn’t play music?
A rubber
band.
When does
the Moon stop eating?
When it’s
full.
What tastes
better, a comet or an asteroid?
An asteroid,
because it’s meteor!
Why does
E.T. have such big eyes?
He saw his
phone bill.
Which
astronaut wears the biggest helmet?
The one with
the biggest head.
How do you
serve aliens dinner?
On flying
saucers.
Favorite
Space Book:
Full Moon by Seymour Buns
How do
astronauts keep warm on the International Space Station?
They turn up
the space heater.
How do
meteors stay clean?
They shower!
What does an
astronaut wear to bed?
Space
jammies.
What did the
astronomer see at the center of Jupiter?
The letter
“i”.
What’s the
difference between E.T. and a teenager?
E.T.
actually phoned home.
Why did the
space restaurant close down?
It lacked
atmosphere.
What do you
get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A
Mars-upial.
Did you hear
about the astronaut who broke the law of gravity?
She got a
suspended sentence.
Why was the
Moon acting so loony?
It was going
through a phase.
How does the
universe hold up its pants?
With an
asteroid belt.
What do
stars do when they want a snack?
Take a bite
out of the Milky Way.
How do you
throw the best party in the Solar System?
You planet.
What did the
astronaut cook for lunch?
An
unidentified frying object.
How do you
get an astronaut’s baby to fall asleep?
You rocket.
What is Han
Solo’s favorite restaurant?
Jabba the
Pizza Hutt.
Captain
Kirk: “Our next mission takes us to the Sun.”
Scotty: “We
canna do it, Captain! The Sun is far too hot.”
Captain
Kirk: “Don’t worry, Mr. Scott. We’ll land at night.”
What kind of
songs do astronauts like?
Neptunes!
What do you
call a UFO with a leak?
A crying
saucer.
What did the
alien say to the garden?
Take me to
your weeder.
How do
Martians count to 13?
On their
fingers.
Teacher:
Which is closer, China or the Moon?
Kid: Duh…the
Moon. You can’t see China from here.
What was the
alien’s favorite taco filling?
Human beans.
Why did the
chicken cross the galaxy?
To boldly go
where no chicken had gone before.
Luke: I hear
Dracula will be staring in the next Star Wars movie.
Yoda:
Really? What’s it called?
Luke: The
Vampire Strikes Back.
What did the
ones say to the twos and threes?
“May the
fours be with you!”
What kind of
life was found on Pluto?
Fleas.
When can’t
you visit the Moon?
When it’s
full.
On which
planet did the space probe crash?
Splaturn!
What do you
get when you cross a toad with the Sun?
Star warts.
Where do
otters come from?
Otter space.
An
astronaut’s favorite fish: stardines.
What did
E.T.’s mom say when he returned home?
“Where on Earth
have you been!”
Why don’t
Martians drown in hot chocolate?
They sit on
the Mars-mallows.
How does the
Moon cut his hair when the Sun gets in the way?
Eclipse it.
Why did the
space shuttle pilot eat beans every day?
He didn’t
want to run out of gas.
Whatever you
do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
A kid goes
to the store to buy some toilet paper. The clerk asks him what color he’d like.
“White,” says the kid. “I’ll color it myself!”
My friend
told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at
his face.
There’s only
one good thing about getting hit in the head with a can of Coke. It’s a soft
drink.
A
pessimist’s blood-type is always B-negative.
Whoever
invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
A magician
was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
The time
traveler was still hungry after his last bite, so he went back four seconds.
What is the
difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
A cowboy, a
clown, and a fireman walk into a bar. Ow!
I was
addicted to the Hokey Pokey… but I turned myself around. Isn’t that what it’s
all about?
The wig
thief struck again last night. Police are combing the area.
Jokes about
german sausages are the wurst.
When fish
are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A dog gave
birth to puppies in the park and was cited for littering.
Two silk
worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
My dog can
do magic tricks. It’s a labracadabrador.
I was
struggling to figure out how lightning works, then it struck me.
Parallel
lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
If Iron Man
and the Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.
Just went to
an emotional wedding… even the cake was in tiers.
Two antennae
decided to get married. The ceremony was dull, but the reception was great!
Living on
Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every
year.
I know a lot
of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Why do we
cook bacon and bake cookies?
A black hole
is a tunnel at the end of the light.
Time
flies…when you throw your alarm clock across the room.
A rancher
had 196 cows in his field, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Taller kids
always sleep longer.
I was up all
night wondering where the Sun had gone…then it dawned on me.
I would go
rock climbing if I were a little boulder.
I used to
have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
If a
boomerang always comes back to you, why throw it in the first place?
Dad gave me
a bat for my birthday but the first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
Dry erase
boards are remarkable.
Just wrote a
song about a tortilla. Actually, it was more of a wrap.
Always keep
a smile on your face. It looks silly anywhere else on your body.
Silence is
golden. Duct tape is silver.
Two wrongs
don’t make a right…but two Wright’s did make an airplane!
To the guy
who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!
What kind of
key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What did the
pig say on the hottest day of summer?
“I’m bacon!”
Why do
seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if
they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
What do you
do with a Blue Whale?
Cheer it up!
What do you
call a pig who knows karate?
Pork chop.
What do cows
read in the morning?
Moospapers.
What clucks
and points north?
A magnetic
chicken.
What do you
call a flying skunk?
A
smelly-copter.
What do you
call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why were the
owl parents worried about their son?
Because he
didn’t seem to give a hoot about anything.
What’s the
difference between a cow and a doughnut?
It’s a lot
harder to dunk a cow in a cup of coffee.
Why did the
cow jump over the moon?
The farmer
had cold hands.
Why are
frogs so happy?
They eat
what bugs them.
What’s the
strongest bird?
The crane.
What has six
eyes but can’t see?
Three blind
mice.
What do you
call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
How does a
pig get to the hospital?
In a
hambulance.
What does a
spider bride wear?
A webbing dress.
Why did the
canary fail his test?
He was
caught tweeting.
Why was the
little ant so confused?
Because all
of his Uncles were ants.
Why did the
rhino were red sneakers?
Because the
blue ones were dirty.
Why do seals
prefer swimming in salt water?
Because
pepper water makes them sneeze.
Where do
cows go for first dates?
To the
moo-vies.
What’s
orange, has stripes, and is red all over?
A tiger with
a sunburn.
What do you
get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that
will talk your ear off.
How is a
turtle like a brick?
Neither one
can play the trumpet.
How do you
make a milkshake?
Give a cow a
pogo stick.
Why do
turkeys gobble?
They never
learned table manners.
Why do
skunks like Valentine’s Day?
They’re very
scent-imental.
How do
ducklings escapes their shells?
They
eggs-it.
Why did the
chicken cross the road?
The light
was green.
Why did the
bubble gum cross the road?
Because it
was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What looks
like a snake, swims, and honks?
An
automob-eel.
Why couldn’t
the leopard escape from the zoo?
He was
always spotted.
What do you
get if you cross a canary with a 20-foot snake?
A
sing-a-long.
Why don’t
you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
Because
they’re very good at it.
What did the
chicken say when it laid a square egg?
Ouch!
What do you
call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy
bear.
What’s the
difference between bird flu and swine flu?
For bird
flu, you need tweetment. For swine flu, you need oinkment.
What do you
call a man with 50 rabbits under his coat?
Warren.
What do you
get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and
quackers.
What’s a
firefly’s life motto?
Always look
on the bright side.
What do you
call a dinosaur wearing high heels?
A
My-feet-are-saurus.
Which
dinosaur had the biggest vocabulary?
A Thesaurus.
What do you
call a paranoid dinosaur?
A
Do-you-think-he-saurus?
How do you
dress for a dinosaur party?
In a suit of
armor.
Why don’t
dinosaurs talk?
Because
they’re all dead!
What’s the
biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.
How can you
tell if a dinosaur is a vegetarian or a meat-eater?
Lay down on
a plate and see what happens.
Why was T.
rex afraid to visit the library?
His books
were 60 million years overdue.
What do you
call the dumbest fish in school?
Dinner.
Why did the
marsupial from Australia get fired from his job?
Because he
wasn’t koala-fied.
Why did the
cowboy buy a dachshund?
Because
someone told him to get a long little doggy.
Why did the
cow cross the road?
To get to
the udder side.
How do you
keep geese from speeding?
Goose bumps.
What did the
buffalo say to his son when he left for school?
Bison!
What kind of
monkey likes potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What do you
call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What do you
call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Why
shouldn’t you play poker in the Savannah?
Too many
cheetahs.
What’s black
and white, black and white, and black and white?
A panda
rolling down a hill.
What do you
call a sheep that dances gracefully?
A
baaaaaalerina.
What do you
call a cow with four legs?
A cow.
How do pigs
communicate with each other?
Swine
language.
How do ants
keep warm in the winter?
ANTifreeze.
What do you
call a fly with no wings?
A walk!
Who’s a
boar’s favorite painter?
Pig-casso.
What’s big,
gray, and wrinkly, and goes around in circles?
A rhinoceros
in a revolving door.
What do
frogs wear in the summer?
Open toad
shoes.
Why do pigs
have the best writing instruments?
Because
their pens never run out of oink.
Why did the
chicken cross the schoolyard?
To get to
the other slide!
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