best jokes ever
Mother-In-Law Funeral Joke
Animal Humor
Tom was
walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the
casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300
people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks who’s funeral is
this?The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.” Tom wishes his condolences and asks,
“She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?” He
answers, “This is the dog that killed her!” So Tom asks, “can I borrow
the dog for an hour?” He responds, “Get on line!”
Cleaning
Dishes Joke
Animal Humor
I hired a
new maid last year but she wasn’t doing a great job. I called her into the
study and told that I was sorry but I was going to have to let her
go. I tipped her an extra $20 and thanked her for her services. As she
was leaving she threw a $10 bill to our dog, Lucy. I asked her, “What was that
for?” She replied, “Can’t forget my helper! Lucy has a great tongue, and always
helped me do the dishes!!!”
Fathers Day Embarrassing Joke
What do you
call the two people that always have to embarrass you the most in front of all
your friends? Mommy and Daddy.
Great
Fathers Day Joke
Fathers Day
Jokes
I was
putting my son to sleep one night, after tucking him in and singing a song we
said our good nights. About 10 minutes later he calls, “Dad, I need a drink!”
So I bring a drink and tell him how late it is and he better go to sleep. 10
minutes later he calls me again, “Dad, I’m hungry!” I yell back, “if I hear you
again you are going to get a spanking!” About 5 minutes later he yells back,
“Dad, when you come give me a spanking please bring me something to eat!”
Book Report
Joke
Juvenile
Jokes
Harry got up
in front of the class and read his book report aloud. When he finished, the
teacher said, “that was very good, and I am so glad you didn’t tell us what
happens at the end.” “Well,” said Harry proudly, “I figured if they wanted to
know the ending, they could do what I did and rent the video.”
Keep Your
Mouth Open Joke
Doctor Jokes
As my wife
and I were driving our teenaged daughter to the hospital where she was
scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy, they discussed how the procedure would be
performed. “Dad” the teenager asked, “how are they going to get me to keep my
mouth open the whole time?” I looked through the rear view mirror and chuckled,
“They’re going to give you a phone.”
Little Dog
Joke
Animal Humor
Upon
entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that
read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a
harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. “Is that
the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner. “Yep, that’s
him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a
dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the
owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Train Joke
Animal Humor
A passenger
train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees
a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window.
“Horse on the track!” Replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train
resumes its slow pace. However five minutes later it stops again.
The lady see the conductor walking by again. She leans out and yells, “what
happened? We caught up to that to that horse again?”
Bear Joke
Animal Humor
Just as I
was finishing a hike at Piney Run Park in Baltimore, I overheard a group of
kids talking about their recent bear sightings. “If you meet a bear, don’t
run,” one kid said .”Really why?” Because,” I interjected, “bears
like fast food.”
Cockroach
Joke
Animal Humor
I was
standing in line at the local Wal-Mart store, in the gardening center the
other day. So this guy in front of me is holding a bottle of
insecticide and asks the salesman, “I have lots of cockroaches, is this
good for them?” “No,” says the salesman. “It’ll kill them!”
Baby Soccer
Ball Joke
Soccer Jokes
I was
walking down the street and passed by a burning house, a lady was yelling for
someone to catch her baby. Some guy stopped and said that he was a soccer
player and had good hands so he will catch the baby. The mother yells down, “ok
be careful handle him like a soccer ball!” She dropped the baby, and the guy
catches it beautifully then bounced it twice and kicked it 50 yards down
the block!
Basketball
Homework Joke
Basketball
Jokes
My son was
running out to basketball practice and yelled, “mom, can you do my homework I’m
running very late!” “Son, it wouldn’t be right.” I replied. “That’s
okay.” He replied. “At least you could try!”
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