best jokes ever
Mother-In-Law Funeral Joke
Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks who’s funeral is this?The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.” Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?” He answers, “This is the dog that killed her!” So Tom asks, “can I borrow the dog for an hour?” He responds, “Get on line!”
Cleaning Dishes Joke
I hired a new maid last year but she wasn’t doing a great job. I called her into the study and told that I was sorry but I was going to have to let her go. I tipped her an extra $20 and thanked her for her services. As she was leaving she threw a $10 bill to our dog, Lucy. I asked her, “What was that for?” She replied, “Can’t forget my helper! Lucy has a great tongue, and always helped me do the dishes!!!”
Fathers Day Embarrassing Joke
What do you call the two people that always have to embarrass you the most in front of all your friends? Mommy and Daddy.
Great Fathers Day Joke
Fathers Day Jokes
I was putting my son to sleep one night, after tucking him in and singing a song we said our good nights. About 10 minutes later he calls, “Dad, I need a drink!” So I bring a drink and tell him how late it is and he better go to sleep. 10 minutes later he calls me again, “Dad, I’m hungry!” I yell back, “if I hear you again you are going to get a spanking!” About 5 minutes later he yells back, “Dad, when you come give me a spanking please bring me something to eat!”
Book Report Joke
Harry got up in front of the class and read his book report aloud. When he finished, the teacher said, “that was very good, and I am so glad you didn’t tell us what happens at the end.” “Well,” said Harry proudly, “I figured if they wanted to know the ending, they could do what I did and rent the video.”
Keep Your Mouth Open Joke
As my wife and I were driving our teenaged daughter to the hospital where she was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy, they discussed how the procedure would be performed. “Dad” the teenager asked, “how are they going to get me to keep my mouth open the whole time?” I looked through the rear view mirror and chuckled, “They’re going to give you a phone.”
Little Dog Joke
entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that
read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a
harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. “Is that
the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner. “Yep, that’s
him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees
a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window.
“Horse on the track!” Replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train
resumes its slow pace. However five minutes later it stops again.
The lady see the conductor walking by again. She leans out and yells, “what happened? We caught up to that to that horse again?”
Just as I was finishing a hike at Piney Run Park in Baltimore, I overheard a group of kids talking about their recent bear sightings. “If you meet a bear, don’t run,” one kid said .”Really why?” Because,” I interjected, “bears like fast food.”
I was standing in line at the local Wal-Mart store, in the gardening center the other day. So this guy in front of me is holding a bottle of insecticide and asks the salesman, “I have lots of cockroaches, is this good for them?” “No,” says the salesman. “It’ll kill them!”
Baby Soccer Ball Joke
I was walking down the street and passed by a burning house, a lady was yelling for someone to catch her baby. Some guy stopped and said that he was a soccer player and had good hands so he will catch the baby. The mother yells down, “ok be careful handle him like a soccer ball!” She dropped the baby, and the guy catches it beautifully then bounced it twice and kicked it 50 yards down the block!
Basketball Homework Joke
My son was running out to basketball practice and yelled, “mom, can you do my homework I’m running very late!” “Son, it wouldn’t be right.” I replied. “That’s okay.” He replied. “At least you could try!”